Here’s a question for you: Can you think of a successful relationship without mutual trust?

Break that trust and you break the relationship. Subvert it and it’s almost impossible to put together again. Creating a long-term relationship takes two or more people – whether they’re executives, representatives of labor and management, or husband and wife – who are grounded in and operating on the same non-situational honesty.

The central secret of good communication is bringing the other person over to your side by satisfying one of every person’s most fundamental emotional needs: Make him or her feel valued. With rare exceptions, people who feel valued – who are allowed to feel important in the sense that they are recognized – answer with openness, cooperation and reciprocated respect. If you want respect, be respectable. If you want to be loved, be loveable. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want a life-long relationship, listen openly to the other person’s needs. Much more than trying to accumulate money and power, leaders in the new era will acquire good will by helping their associates, customers, neighbors, and loved ones to win. Instead of what can you do for me, we need to embrace the new stewardship role of what can I do for you.

Action Idea – At the beginning of each workday, do something special for someone you work with or provide a service for. At the end of each day, say or do something positive for a family member or friend.

JumpstartWhen you begin to feel angry or upset, acknowledge the fact that you own your emotions. When you reprimand someone or express your unhappiness, do it privately and try to do so after the urge to fight or defend has subsided. The best way to get your feelings across is when you can speak in a normal voice, without all the warlike body language. Do speak your mind, but criticize the behavior without attacking the other person. When you speak about your anger or dissatisfaction, say, “I feel angry when I see that happening,” instead of saying, “You make me angry when you do that.” Only you can make you angry, by your reactions to events. When you are upset, go for a walk, or exercise, to release the sudden build-up of adrenaline in your system. And remember, there is no such thing as winning an argument. There is only winning an agreement. Don’t engage in “all or nothing” management. If things don’t work out exactly the way you had planned them, salvage a good situation. Be willing to compromise on a solution, but never compromise your integrity!

Take responsibility for your emotions this week.

The Safari Called Life Check-off List:

• Learn from those who have gone before
• Travel lightly; no extra baggage
• Be prepared and expect the unexpected
• The more you learn the less you fear
• Slow down, watch and listen
• Respect your environment
• Leave your ego behind
• Anticipate, innovate and make do
• Be optimistic; tomorrow did not exist before
• Collect memories instead of souvenirs
• Enjoy the journey
• Celebrate all life, not just your own

The power of thought is indisputably great. For illustration, look at the life of Henry David Thoreau, a 19th-century Massachusetts philosopher.

In 1849, Thoreau, as a relatively unknown scholar, published his thoughts in a controversial essay about civil disobedience. The essay expressed his ideas about justice:

• Not all laws are just.
• A person should respect justice more than the law.
• Without resorting to violence, a person of conscience is justified to transgress the law to protest its injustice.

Thoreau’s thoughts, as the basis for nonviolent resistance, would end up fueling two of the greatest social advancements of the 20th century - Ghandi’s struggle to free India from Britain’s colonial rule and the American Civil Rights Movement led by Martin Luther King, Jr.

THOUGHTS ABOUT THINKING

Thoughts never begin fully formed.

Have you ever looked through a microscope? At first glance, the image appears blurry and indistinct. However, after adjusting the lens, the image comes into focus, and you can see with remarkable clarity.

When thoughts enter my mind, they are hazy and disordered, much like the initial image seen through a microscope. I have to fine-tune my thoughts by dwelling upon them, and connecting them to other thoughts I’ve had. It takes awhile for me to wrestle with a thought before its merit becomes clear.

Thoughts take time to develop their potential.

I am not a naturally brilliant thinker. My mind doesn’t overflow with out-of-the-box creativity. However, I do leverage experiences to stretch my thoughts. I have found that reflection turns my experience into insight. At the close of each day, I’ll review important lessons I’ve learned. I’ll mine failure until I’ve gained a nugget of wisdom, or I’ll consider how the day’s events validated or invalidated one of my ideas. Through time, evaluating my experiences helps my thoughts to expand and mature.

Thoughts take others to develop their potential.

Alone, my thoughts are shallow and unexceptional. However, I am able to polish and refine them through my interactions with other leaders. I enhance my own thinking by piggybacking on the wisdom of friend and colleagues. In conversations or observations of their behavior, I strengthen and confirm my own inklings about leadership and life.

Each of us is trapped inside our own perspective and limited by blind spots and prejudices. If we isolate ourselves, we diminish our minds, and our thoughts atrophy.

We are wise to seek out others to test our assumptions and sharpen our thinking.

Thoughts are very fragile in the beginning.

Gardeners know the delicate nature of a newly planted seedling. To survive, the plant must receive nourishment and be protected from harsh winds, weeds, or hungry animas. Until its roots take hold and its stem grows, the seedling is vulnerable.

Likewise, our thoughts are fragile at first. They are endangered by pessimism, busyness, insecurity, forgetfulness, and a host of other threats. In the words of Bob Biehl, “Ideas are like soap bubbles floating in the air close to jagged rocks on a windy day.”

In order to grow, our thoughts need careful attention and cultivation.

THOUGHT BUSTERS

Thoughts only reach their potential in a healthy environment. During my time as a leader, I’ve encountered the following environmental hazards, or thought busters, which threaten to destroy good thinking.

Criticism

When leaders pay any cost to ward off criticism, they sacrifice their best thoughts. In the words of Elbert Hubbard, “If you have something others don’t have, know something others don’t know, or do something others aren’t doing, then, rest assured, you will be criticized.” In my opinion, thinking requires boldness, the courage to be second-guessed, and readiness to endure conflict.

Lack of personal commitment to thinking

Taking action is by no means a negative quality in a leader. However, when a leader is all action, it’s only a matter of time until he or she falls behind, steers off course, and surrenders the reins of leadership. I like Gordon MacDonald’s appeal to mental fitness:

“In our pressurized society, people who are out of shape mentally usually fall victim to ideas and systems that are destructive to the human spirit and to the human relationship. They are victimized because they have not taught themselves how to think, nor have they set themselves to the lifelong pursuit of growth of the mind. Not having the faculty of a strong mind, they grow dependent upon the thoughts and opinions of others.”

As leaders, thinking keeps us in front. Before we shape the future, we must get our minds in shape.

Excuses

“I don’t have enough time,” has been my most common excuse to avoid thinking. However, blaming time constraints is not a legitimate excuse. After all, a great idea is one of the greatest commodities a person can own. Besides, by taking the time to think, we invent smarter ways to expend our energy and resources.

“I’m not creative,” has been another excuse of mine. Of course, blaming my lack of creativity is actually a sorry excuse for being lazy. Thinking well isn’t easy. It takes concentration, focus, and, most challenging of all, the discipline to stop moving for a few moments.