Find out how giving praise is the key to getting it

Happiness Thought for October: Praise early and often. As St. Therese of Lisieux wrote, “When one loves, one does not calculate.”

I’m a real gold-star junkie. One of my worst qualities is my insatiable need for credit; I always want the recognition, the praise, that gold star stuck on my homework. Recently, I was grumbling to my mother about the fact that some extraordinarily praiseworthy effort on my part had gone unremarked upon. My mother wisely responded, “Most people probably don’t get the appreciation they deserve.” That’s right, I realized – for instance, my mother herself! I certainly don’t give her enough praise for everything she has done for me. Our conversation started me thinking about the importance of praise, and how to praise effectively.

1. Be specific Vague praise doesn’t make much of an impression. Parenting experts often express this point of view: Praising a child means more when it’s specific than when it’s general. “What a beautiful painting!” is less gratifying than “Look at all the colors you’ve included! And I see you’ve used all your fingers with the finger paints. You’ve really made your picture look like a spring garden!” This is true for adults, too. “Great job!” is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well. General praise sounds perfunctory and meaningless; specific praise seems heartfelt.

2. Never offer praise and ask for a favor within the same conversation It makes the praise seem like a setup for whatever you’re asking for.

3. Look for something less obvious to praise Highlighting a quality that a person hasn’t heard praised many times before shows that you’re really paying attention, not just repeating what other people have said.

4.Praise people behind their backs The person you’re lauding usually hears about it, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise. That’s why I make an effort to repeat any behind-the-back compliments I hear.

5. Match the quality of the praise to the difficulty of the task If a job was quick and easy, a hasty “Looks great!” will do; if it was protracted and challenging, be more lengthy and descriptive.

6. Remember the negativity bias The “negativity bias” is a psychological phenomenon: People react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example, within a marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act. So when I praise someone, I remember that one critical comment will be far more memorable than several positive ones. If I want someone to walk away feeling great, I skip any negative remarks.

7. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional When people do something unusual, it’s easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well all the time without any recognition? I try to point out how much I appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, “You know what? In three years, I don’t think you’ve ever been even an hour late with the weekly report.” After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.

Praise is gratifying to the person getting praised, of course, but it also boosts the happiness of the praiser – at least I’ve found that true of myself. Still, what about the opposite problem? I find it fun and easy to give gold stars, but so often I’m craving them myself. I struggle (admittedly with only moderate success) to master my need for gold stars. I’ve repeatedly asked my husband to give me more of them: “Manipulate me! Lavish me with praise, and you could have me jumping through hoops like a tiger at the circus! Just give me my gold stars!” He laughs, and he understands my nature, but he still doesn’t do it.

Some of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at this desire, and I tell myself, Don’t expect praise or appreciation. Nevertheless, for all my efforts, I have to admit that I still crave those gold stars. It helps if I tell people I’d like gold stars. If you give a gentle reminder, they might happily shower you with praise. Here are some other strategies I use to try to curb my neediness:

1. Do things “for myself” For a long time, I self-righteously told myself that I made certain efforts “for the team” or “out of love for my family.” While this sounds generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when my husband or whoever was involved didn’t appreciate my efforts. Now I tell myself, I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want. I want to send out holiday cards. I want to organize the cabinets. This means I’m not waiting for a gold star. No one else has to even notice what I’ve done.

2. Find ways to reward myself Maybe other people aren’t giving me credit, but I can give myself credit. I keep a chart of my daily resolutions, and I get a little jolt of satisfaction when I reward myself with a check mark next to a resolution. I give myself gold stars!

3. Express your appreciation for what other people do One good happiness rule is that if I wish people would act a certain way toward me, I should act that way toward them. If I wish people would be freer with praise, I should make sure I’m ladling it out myself. Also, I’ve found, when I push myself to feel grateful for what others are doing, I remind myself of how much they do for me – and that eases resentment.

4. Remember that being taken for granted is a form of praise It’s ironic: The more reliable you are, the more likely you are to be taken for granted. If you always meet deadlines, if you never lose your temper, if you’re always prepared, people can overlook your efforts. And really, that’s a compliment. My only clear childhood memory of being picked up from school is the one day that my mother was late. Every other day – year in, year out – she was on time. As a child, did I ever say, “Hey, Mom, I really appreciate the fact that you’re never late”? Nope. But it mattered. How about you? Have you found effective ways to give or get praise?