My grandma, Mabel Reynolds Ostrander, and I shared one of those special relationships as rare as a double rainbow. She was fifty-three when I was ten. That’s when we planted our first “Victory” garden together during World War II. We planted seeds together — in the soil — and in each other.
Grandma lived eighty-seven seasons without a complaint. I was forty-four when I last saw her. But I remember every mince and lemon tart, every bite of “made from scratch” apple pie, and every lingering wave of her hand as she stood (out of sight or so she thought) behind the rayon, Priscilla curtains in the little house at 718 West Pennsylvania Avenue in San Diego, California, where I was born and raised. As our station wagon full of kids and contentment would slowly pull away from the curb, we would all look back at her and wave – and I would gaze at her fragile silhouette through the rear view mirror, wishing I could frame her there forever, just that way – wondering how many more Easter and Christmas dinners we would share.
Most of all, I remember my grandma and me planting seeds. We planted squash, beans, corn, watermelons, beets, pansies, mums and other flowers. I’ll admit I rode my bike those twenty miles each Saturday more for the bonus of the conversation and the homemade pastries, than for the vegetables and flowers. But no matter how full I was after I ate, I was always left hungry for more of the wisdom and optimism she shared with me.
I’ll never forget the day we tasted our first harvest as a result of crossing a plum tree with an apricot tree. The ripe fruit was pink, not purple like a plum, nor orange like an apricot; but a combination of both. “Gee, do you suppose they’ll be any good?” I asked. “Why of course they will be wonderful,” she chided. “Didn´t we do the planting, nurturing and pruning?”
Sure enough, they were delicious, even though they were different than any fruit I’d ever seen before. “That’s because they are uniquely unlike any other fruit you’ll ever eat. They are plumcots!” she exulted. “You always get out what you put in,” she continued as we sat under the tree eating most of what we had picked.
“Plant apple seeds and you get apple trees, plant acorns and you get majestic oak trees, plant weeds and you will harvest weeds (even without watering), plant the seeds of great ideas and you will get great individuals,” she said softly and intently, looking directly into my eyes. “Do you understand what I mean?” I nodded, remembering I’d heard her say the same thing before, in different ways.
I learned from my grandma that the seeds of greatness are not special genes, dependent on the gifted birth, the inherited bank account, the intellect, the skin-deep beauty, the race, the gender, or the status. The seeds of greatness are attitudes and beliefs that begin in children by observing, imitating and internalizing the lifestyles of significant role models and heroes.
“Model your thoughts and actions after men and women who have been passionate, excellent, honest, unselfish and creative in their service to others,” my grandmother had counseled. Armed with that affirmation, I ventured forth to sow and reap my own legacy in life.
I’ve traveled the world to the seven seas.
I’ve been up at the top and down on my knees.
I’ve been blessed with abundance and plenty of weeds.
But I’ve never stopped caring about others’ needs.
As you tend your own garden, unlike any other.
Remember the words of my lovely grandmother.
“If you’re hoping to harvest a life of great deeds, remember you first have to plant some great seeds.”
Taking Time for Yourself in a Relationship by John Gray
We have all heard this advice before. No matter how wonderful togetherness feels in a relationship, it is still crucial for partners to take time for themselves. There is simply no way that a man or a woman can fulfill all of their partner’s needs; it’s just impossible to do. Too often people will give up a favorite hobby, sport or pastime in the beginning of a relationship in order to devote more time and energy to making the relationship work. But, what happens down the road when one or both partners realize that they are terribly out of balance and not taking time for themselves? Relationship stress, miscommunication, or worse: resentment and emotional pain can result.
It is healthy to have different interests. In fact, giving up our own interests and the little things that we do to nurture ourselves when a relationship starts will eventually lead to resentment down the road.
It’s important for both partners to value quality relaxation time. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence is good for both men and women, no matter how close they may be in the relationship. Typically, when one partner actively takes some alone time, their partner is encouraged to do the same.
How our differences compliment each other:
Just as men and women have different needs in a relationship, they also have different reasons for needing time to themselves. Too much togetherness usually results in partners expecting too much from each other. Women may tend to smother their mates, while men may seem cold and uncaring. It is healthy for each partner to take time out to explore his or her individual interests.
What Men Need:
Men need to periodically pull away. Remember that men are like rubber bands. It is his natural cycle to get close, pull away, and get close again. It is important for men to fulfill their need for independence. Men automatically alternate between needing intimacy and autonomy. Give a man his space and he will be a better, more attentive, partner. When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, he often experiences increased moodiness, irritability, passivity, and defensiveness.
Also, when a man is in his cave, he wants to be left alone. He is working out his problems and frustrations by either doing something alone, like reading the paper or watching TV, or doing something active with his male friends.
Most men are happy when their mates do something fun for themselves at these times. It means that she is not sitting around waiting for him to come out of the cave. He will come out ready to talk and be intimate again, and she will have curbed her frustrations by being good to herself and having some fun.
What Women Need:
It is good for a woman’s self esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself. Particularly when a man is off in his cave, she can enjoy the time alone to go shopping, work in her garden, go to a class at the gym, or simply languish in the simple pleasure of soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine.
It is especially important for a woman to cultivate relationships with other women. Women need to talk about what’s happening in their lives. On Venus, this is an important part of relationship building. Since this is not the case on Mars, it is wonderful for a woman to get together with her girlfriends so that they can talk about, and listen to, each other’s problems, without judgment or offering unsolicited advice.
Couples can even plan these separate times apart. For instance, Tuesday could be his poker night with the boys, and Thursday her night for dinner and a movie with her girlfriends. Both partners will not only appreciate the time to do the things that make them feel good, but will come back feeling renewed and excited to be in such a healthy, well-balanced relationship. — John Gray
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