One  key to becoming a great conversationalist is to pause before replying. A
short  pause, of three to five seconds, is a very classy thing to do in a
conversation.  When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously.

The  Benefits of Pausing
First,  you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person is
just catching  his or her breath before continuing. Second, you show the other
person that you  are giving careful consideration to his or her words by not
jumping in with your  own comments at the earliest opportunity. The third benefit
of pausing is that  you will actually hear the other person better. His or
her words will soak into  a deeper level of your mind and you will understand
what he or she is saying  with greater clarity. By pausing, you mark yourself as
a brilliant  conversationalist.

Ask  Questions
Another  way to become a great conversationalist is to question for
clarification. Never  assume that you understand what the person is saying or trying to
say. Instead,  ask, “How do you mean, exactly?”

This is the most powerful question I’ve  ever learned for controlling a
conversation. It is almost impossible not to  answer. When you ask, “How do you
mean?” the other person cannot stop himself or  herself from answering more
extensively. You can then follow up with other  open-ended questions and keep the
conversation rolling along.

Paraphrase  the Speaker’s Words
The  third way to become a great conversationalist is to paraphrase the
speaker’s  words in your own words. After you’ve nodded and smiled, you can then
say, “Let  me see if I’ve got this right. What you’re saying is . . .”

Demonstrate  Attentiveness
By  paraphrasing the speaker’s words, you demonstrate in no uncertain terms
that you  are genuinely paying attention and making every effort to understand
his or her  thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful thing is, when you
practice effective  listening, other people will begin to find you fascinating. They
will want to be  around you. They will feel relaxed and happy in your
presence. 

Listening  Builds Trust
The  reason why listening is such a powerful tool in developing the art and
skill of  conversation is because listening builds trust. The more you listen
to another  person, the more he or she trusts you and believes in you.

Listening  also builds self-esteem. When you listen attentively to another
person, his or  her self-esteem will naturally increase.

Listening  Develops Discipline
Finally,  listening builds self-discipline in the listener. Because your mind
can process  words at 500-600 words per minute, and we can only talk at about
150 words per  minute, it takes a real effort to keep your attention focused
on another  person?s words. If you do not practice self-discipline in
conversation, your  mind will wander in a hundred different directions. The more you
work at paying  close attention to what the other person is saying, the more
self-disciplined  you will become. In other words, by learning to listen well,
you actually  develop your own character and your own personality.

Action  Exercises
Here  are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action. 

First, make a habit of pausing before replying in any conversation or 
discussion. You will be amazed at how powerful this technique really is. 

Second, continually ask, “How do you mean?” in response to anything that  is
not perfectly clear. This gives you even more time to listen  well.